Welcome to the Web Weekly. Happy Life of Pablo! Don’t start the week without keeping up with the best and weirdest the web has to offer:

Top Five Internets:

1) What’d you do for Valentine’s Day? I spent the day walking around an industrial waste-land because my auto-calendar entry had me two hours early for Galentine’s brunch. I panicked, but the back catalogue of Spontaneanation and well charged headphones saved me. Little did I know how bad it could have been. Meet: the Valentine’s Day Wild Jungle Love Safari.

warthog-valentines-day-web

Yes. That is a warthog with a rose in its mouth. Yes this is an ‘authentic African Safari’ (in Santa Rosa, California) that is centered around watching wild animals consummate their unions. And OF COURSE it features ‘Endangered Species Condoms;’ WHAT DID YOU THINK THIS WAS SOME KIND OF ANIMAL BANG TOUR HACK JOB?

2) “Did you see that thing on SNL??” is not something I’ve asked in earnest in some time. But did you guys see that Beyoncé thing on SNL?? It’s the teaser for a horror movie called ‘The Day Beyoncé Turned Black,’ and it perfectly encapsulates the shock, awe, and appalled responses that came from some #YTPPL after Bey dropped ‘Formation.’ You know, because it referenced Katrina and killer cops and was an explosion of Magical Black Girl. What is the world to do when even the ‘But she’s different’ Blacks start talking about large nostrils? About hot sauce? IF A BEYONCE SONG DOESN’T CENTER WHITENESS IN THE WOODS, CAN YOU EVEN HEAR IT? Watch:

3) Jessica Williams (who, as far as I know, has never lived in Apt 23), also spoke a bit on Beyoncé and the Great White Reaction. Articles called her Daily Show segment a ‘SLAM’ and ‘RANT’ and said she ‘DESTROYED HATERS,’ even though she was speaking calmly. I guess her hair is loud? I’ve heard that about my hair; that must be it.

What Williams says is fairly boiler-plate, if you have any knowledge of the reality of life in America, but I included this mainly for the intentional phrasing of ‘Janet jackson getting her titty pulled out at the Super Bowl.’ Yes lord. Use that passive voice to place the blame where it should be.

4) Are you keeping up with this Presidential election? I don’t mean have you heard the latest quip from a newscaster devoting hours of airtime to Donald Trump while wondering blandly why Donald Trump gets so much news coverage… Do you care about these primary returns? If so, Google is a great place to get live results while folks are out voting. If you’re trying to get real-time information with no editorializing, just type [city] ‘primary results’ in the search bar.

Here, I’ve just typed ‘NH’ for New Hampshire, because 1) my laziness knows no bounds and 2) anything with ‘shire’ in it makes me feel colonized. Still works!

5) [Late addition!] I didn’t watch the Grammys. Not because I was protesting, but because it was 75º in San Francisco, and I was hanging out with a bunch of beautiful Black people in the park, eating Cheddar Bey Biscuits and playing Black Card Revoked. Does it sound like I’m bragging? Well see if promising your first born and a bazillion dollars to your landlord every month doesn’t make you a little braggy about warm winter weather… Anyways. Kendrick. Killed. It. His performance at this year’s Grammys was electric, inspired, surprising and visually stunning:

No, he’s not perfect. Yes, his respectability politics and particular brand of misogynoir can be wearing if you listen for too long. But oh this was so Black Black Blackity Black yall. I live.

How Have You Not Seen This?
Wherein I shame you for not knowing of a thing, but also tell you about that thing

Shia Lebouf. Not just a person. A musical experience. A dark, horrific, musical experience.

With choreo.

You have not internet-ed until you know what Shia Lebouf does on a normal Tuesday night:

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