Last night, #TeamHellaSwag kicked off Halloween Weekend right with a quick team huddle @ Headquarters, a pit stop by a house party in the Castro and settling at our surprise destination of 330 Ritch. Fun was had by all, more importantly, we learned three valuable life lessons:
- If you wear stockings under your shorts, people will think your legs are amazing. (We learned this from Beyonce).
- If you match your costumes with three other girls, you will walk around with three times the confidence than you would by yourself (this actually works for all facets of life; find yourself a strong team ASAP).
- If you look good enough, guys will not ask where you got your costumes, but instead, “Y’all just got off work?”
- (Sub-lesson) It is incredibly easy for a group of girls to agree on a story they’ve never rehearsed, especially when punishing someone for asking a silly question. “Oh yeah, we didn’t have any time to change after our shift, so we just came straight here.”
- (Sub-sub lesson) Drunk people are gullible. And funny.
Toot it and Boot it. This song is incredibly degrading to women. It is disrespectful and we would not appreciate it if someone were to try to “make us feel stupid” at such a point of vulnerability. Having said that . . . we were like “Yeahhhhh,” when the song came on, and went crazy on the dance floor. We were those girls Chris Rock was speaking on (“He ain’t talkin’ ’bout me!“) and we didn’t care. We didn’t care until I noticed the lascivious nature with which the vulture-like men who’d crept around us were raising their eyebrows. In another inspired moment of girl-telepathy, I shot an almost imperceptible shake of my head to the ladies, and the dancing immediately went from a thunderous roar to a did-we-fall-through-a-worm-hole-and-end-up-in-a-nunnery *meep*. We couldn’t fully enjoy the song (probably a good thing), but we did prevent the onslaught of rapt(or) men.
In conclusion: Everything is better when you’re doing it with your team, just make sure you don’t hurt ’em when you do 🙂
*Super Duper Awesome Even More Bonus-er Story!*
My girl zSwag reminded me of this one, and it was too good not to share. Trust me, you’ll thank me!
Crazy girls always attract crazy/dangerous dudes, so we did everything possible to extricate ourselves from her vortex of insanity, short of actually running away shrieking “Leave us alone Cray Cray!!” (#TeamHellaSwag does not like to cause a scene, unless it’s an entrance (-: )
Finally, in an explosion of lunacy, the epicness of which I can only liken to that of a rainbow-crapping mer-unicorn sighting, Jane hiked up the skirt of her dress, humped the air with unparalleled vigor in our direction, and finally pointed toward her crotch to turn our attention to her (wait for it . . . wait for it . . .) GENUINE BLACK HOOTERS SHORTS FROM THE TIME OF HER 2 YEAR EMPLOY.
Jane was following us around because she thought we were sistren!! (Her mama obviously never taught her to use her words) As the high fives passed from girl to girl, the same thought permeated all of #TeamHellaSwag’s minds: “Girl, we appreciate you … but we can’t identify”