Many people say that the reason they like San Francisco is that it’s like an East Coast city on the West Coast. That usually means that the pace is faster than a normal California city, and that there is real (slightly) dependable public transportation. I haven’t had the best of luck, and after a number of traveling mishaps, it has been proposed to me, that I simply have horrific transport karma in general. You be the judge: Get to know the many ways of transport in Sf, and take a ride with me, won’t you?

Part One: Crazy Taxi Lady

My White Female driver (a unicorn!) picked me up outside my office, and asked me what I did for work. I told her, and she nodded understanding, adding that I had one of those jobs where I “didn’t do sh*t.” I was immediately concerned because, clearly this woman didn’t want my tip money – meaning she had no incentive to ferry me safely to my destination. My anxieties were confirmed after just a few blocks, as she began to honk incessantly at a driver in front of us, using language that would make Christian Bale blush.

She went on to talk to me about a number interesting topics: Why her best friend’s dead mom left a bunch of sh*t in her poorly lit basement, necessitating the purchase of a headlamp; Why headlamps were great for late night reading in the bed (not like most of the bullsh*t the techies try to shove down your godd@mned throat), why driving a cab used to be a great blue-collar job, but now it’s all “gone to sh*t” because of all the godd@mned foreigners (that train’s never late), why she hates computers, and the government, and foreigners (again), and why “GET OUT OF THE F@#%# ROAD YOU DUMB PIECE OF S#^&!!!”

I’d like to add that the ride is ~10 minutes. How you can fit that much crazy into a 10 minute period is beyond me, but this lady had talent. After I gave her my credit card to charge the trip – she went into a diatribe about being charged to run a card in the future and how she would fight anyone who tried to make her follow the rules. Then my receipt got stuck in the machine. Then she LOST HER MIND. She literally got into a fight with this machine. Letting fly with more than a few choice words, she attempted to slap and punch the receipt out of the machine. I don’t usually enter into combat with inanimate objects, as I find that more often than not (and inexplicably), they win. This time was no exception. There were no human winners, except, I guess, that I got this story (and my life).


~ dara.

To see the rest of the series on San Francisco travel woes click below:

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