Cab driver- I thought the little one was your baby!
If you look back on my diary entries from when I was a child, you will often come across a list of goals that I’d wished to achieve by the time I’d reached adulthood. Many call these “what I want to be when I grow up” but you will note that my version of the list takes a slight departure from the norm. I wanted to be (and I quote):
A singer, a dancer, a rapper, an actor (can you tell Raven Symone was my idol?), a basketball player, (later) a track runner, a painter, a sculptor, a lawyer (while I was still trying to appease my parents), a ballerina (totally different than a dancer, obvi), a writer/poet, a teacher, a mom, and Six Feet Tall.
Wait a minute, what? I listed a height as a desired adulthood attribute?? What in the . . .? Yes, it’s ridiculous, but at the time, I thought that if you were Six Feet Tall as a female, then you were tall but anywhere between, say, 5′ 9 and 6′, you were just . . . large. Didn’t count as tall. I can’t say I still remember the logic here, but recent events have confirmed again and again: I WAS WRONG.
Cab driver picks up me and my fab friend/coworker Kate Franco (Yes, the stylist extraordinare and myself share.cabs. My life is the bomb.) Cab driver drops Kate off at her apartment, and continues to my place:
Me – I’m sorry?
Cab driver – The little lady you were with! I thought she was your child!
Me – Uhhh
Cab driver – She is very tiny!
Me – Oh. Well . . . I guess . . . I am wearing very tall shoes though, so maybe I just look bigger?
Cab driver – You look HUGE! Hahahahahahahaha
Me – fml
At a doctor’s appointment, the Nurse Practitioner prepares to take my height and weight for their records:
Nurse Practitioner – Let me just reach up here and take your height measurement . . . Wow!
me – . . . ?
NP – You are pretty tall!
me – . . . haha. :-/
NP – Ok, step down. Ok now . . . that is . . . almost Six FEET! Wow!
me – You mean like five ten and a half?
NP – NOPE! Juuuuust under Six! Wow!
me – [Charlie Brown voice] Six feet is too many feet! fml
Obviously I am now aware that my fanciful childhood dreams were a mistake. Not only will I not be all the things I wanted to be, I WILL be the one thing I should never have dared to dream of. Six Feet Tall. As with all dreams, I realized that I wasn’t quite specific enough about what it was that I desired. If I were to write back in that childhood diary now, I’d say:
“I want to be Six Feet Tall . . . and SKINNY. So I could have a viable career as a MODEL. THE END.”
PS- That reminds me of something that happened while the NP was taking my weight. She gave a response that I didn’t immediately understand – Actually, I still don’t understand it, and I worry that if it runs around my brain without explanation any more, I will have an aneurysm and loose it. Hope you can help.
me – [steps on the scale]
NP – [slides thingy majigger around ’till she finds the correct weight; frowns] Does that look right to you?
me – [DO I GET A CHOICE? WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT??] Yes; Unfortunately it does.
NP – You must have very strong bones, since you’re not overweight.
me – [1*))%(*%E$^@&)))&wth&(&($$!_)
*( ]. . . HANH??
Ok – I know what all the words mean. Bones, strong, overweight; I covered them in 5th grade Health class at the latest. But when you put them together . . . What in the world does that mean?? Did she start saying one sentence and then change her mind midway? Am I really as bad at English as my mama always thought I was? PLEASE help me decode this. My sanity depends on it.