How-To: Raise a Child

18 Jan, 2011

As official Captain of Everything You Care About, I’ve taken it upon myself to give out helpful tips for tackling life’s toughest challenges.

Last week, we took on Getting Fancy. Now that you’ve embarked on this fantastic new life, I think you’re ready for the ultimatefancy accessory. A ~~drunk midget~~ BABY! Just about everyone’s doing it, and you know what they say about not going with the crowd … (you’ll get beat up.) Other writers may give inane advice about dressing your baby to look like a 40 year old one-legged prostitute, or to just dump tons of money on the thing. Frankly, it’s unoriginal, and the emotional baggage you’re inflicting is carry-on at most. For indelible damage (part of the parent’s oath the doctor makes you say before receiving your new baby-poops-a-lot is that you have to inflict real, serious, and long lasting damage) please read my helpful hints below!

How to:

Make sure you kids sleeps all day before a long flight. That way they can stay up screaming whilst in the flying coffin. Sugary snacks are a plus!
It’s a well known fact that babies equate food with love. That means you should feed them a lot. Extra points if you make absolutely sure they know nothing about good nutrition, so that they develop awesome Krispy Kreme filled eating habits all the way through adulthood!
You want your kid to grow up to be cool right? Well cigarettes are cool. With skills like this, he’ll be king of the playground in no time!
The modern woman is career-oriented. Encourage your daughters to aim high.
There is (with good reason) a counter-metrosexual-manly-man-who-shaves-with-rocks-and-doesn’t-stop-until-he-sees-blood-and-then-he-shoots-something-because-men-are-awesome movement happening right now. We never want to raise our children to be behind the times, so make sure they proudly wear their feelings from the time they’re in diapers. Do it with brutish pride ::heavy sigh::
Keep up with tech! Give your kid, not just a cell phone, but an IPAD! If your 8 year old isn’t making a 28 year old question his decision to work for Greenpeace, who will?