As self-proclaimed expert on everything, I feel it is my duty to use this space as a forum for the exposition of my extensive knowledge. Allow me to bless you with some “How-To’s.” If, nay when your quality of life improves one hundred-fold, and you gain valuable skills like the ability to weave your gold-plated straw into sexy, convenient pot holders, save the thanks … I need cash money.
- Stop dressing like a nun, grandma. The more skin the better.
- Only hang out at events where celebrity sightings are guaranteed. Kanye West is more important than you “friends,” and really, you should know that by now.
- Pamper yourself. If you’re spending less than 3K/mo on your hair/nails/clothes/plastic surgery, it’s fine, but don’t punish the rest of us by parading your wretched visage around town. We’re aiming for artificiality. You should be one pound less the person you were born as each year you live.
- Own this. Then own the skirt made from its rare feathers. If you’re thinking “where will I find an albino peacock?” then you’re just not being resourceful, and frankly, your lack of motivation is not my responsibility.
- Knock up your mistress and leave your wife. Make sure your new girl is already a media darling, and that you are ready to create the best music of your life. Do it, or else. (seriously, did R. Kelly teach you nothing?)