I’m the Queen of Your Dreams, and as such, have taken on the task of bestowing upon you, tips and tricks to lead a more successful, fulfilling life. We’ve gotten fancy. We’ve picked up a few kids, and we’ve even mastered the great lost art of being a Black Woman. This week, we’re embarking on a new career. Rap Star! I’d like to share with you some of my most coveted secrets. Take heed, and I assure you, you’ll reach the superstar status of a person worthy of a seat next to me in my private jet made of solid gold and rare African penguin feathers.

How To:
  • Adopt an alter-ego. Simply renaming yourself is so … common. What you want to do, is adopt the name, persona and gut of someone who’s already done all the legacy legwork for you. If you’ve already grown your own gut in preparation, I have nothing left to teach you ::tears of pride::
  • Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so you should definitely find your way into a jail. Lil Wayne’s tweet “aaaaaaahhhhhhmmmmm baaaaakkkkkkkkkk” after his release from prison was one of the most popular of all of 2010! And we all know Twitter popularity means CA$H MONEY!
  • If your reputation is based on you being a gun-toting hard ass, but you grew up in an affluent neighborhood, go to jail twice, just to make sure the seediness takes.
  • Replace your nose with diamonds. This ingenious cross between Kanye West and MJ (r.i.p.) will leave even the most discerning music fan speechless. And you’re in luck! Jacob the Jeweler is fresh off his own street-cred-stint, so you can sniff conflict-free
  • Tattoos are a plus, but this is old news. You need to push the envelope! Nothing says “The Black Community Should Be More Vocal About Issues Of Mental Health” like Gucci Mane’s new ice cream face tattoo. Brr
  • Adopt a quotable catchphrase- who could forget “White Rapper” tv star John Brown with his incredible “Hallelujah Holla Back!!”???
And you’re all set! Good luck, and don’t forget your mentor when you make it to the top!



PS- Because I can, here is some Parappa the Rappa for you. 

PPS- Because sexist rappers are cliche, some Um Jammer Lammy as well.

Stay Fly!


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