I’m Smiling Ironically
They are elusive. They smell … interesting. They are inexplicably cool. They are interested in things that you’ve never heard of, and they look down their nose at everything you hold dear. In short, they far far better than you at life. You want to be them, and I have the inside scoop on how to achieve HIPSTER STATUS. This is straight from the Haight, guys. Proceed at your own risk.

How To:

Lotion – It’s so Nineteen-Ninety-Nouveau-Riche
  • Adopt an exceedingly ugly pet, and name it Bruno. If it’s a cat, put it on a leash. If it’s a dog, do not. There are no fish in hipster-life, because they don’t “get” irony.
  • Pick up a smoking habit, but roll your own non conflict West African tobacco. Only smoke when you’re wearing your hemp bowler (called your smoking hat) which is always.
  • Wake up in the morning feeling like Puff Daddy, ‘cuz retro is out, so it’s now … so it’s out, so it’s now …
  • Choose your items of clothing carefully, and according to your mood. The indie accordion/ harmonica band-lyrics t-shirt when you’re feeling misunderstood. The neon cat playing finger cymbals tee when you’re thinking about/about to/ actually drinking with your “friends.” (don’t worry, layering is highly encouraged. you have to do something to cover the holes). Save your skinny jeans for anytime breathing seems important.
    •  Ugly Christmas sweaters are great, but only once moth eaten, and never during the holidays. Violation of this policy will get you sent to somewhere truly awful; usually the Playboy mansion.
  • Know “the band” before anyone’s heard of them. Hate them (the band, or the “anyone;” preferably both). NOTE: Your disdain should not extend to “the band’s” early Middle School recordings, created before they lost “it.”


~ dara.


You Wouldn’t Understand


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