I am a single Black female, and every day I wake up asking myself the same question. Why won’t Bobby Valentino love me? When I try to figure out why this is, I usually come up short, and smack my slack jawed face into a wall or something, because I am female and stupid and … Black! Hello?!

It turns out though, that there is someone out there who has all of the secrets I could ever need to worm my way into a Black man’s heart (my one and only goal in life, duh). He’s a man whose expertise on Black Women is so far reaching, that he’s had to go all the way to Tajikistan in order to find a suitable mate. He’s not given up on Black Women entirely though, and has been kind enough to share with the hoards of us his many learnings through the years. In honor of his hard and thankless work, I dedicate this week’s How To to his blessed teachings.

 

How To:

  • For goodness sakes ladies, keep your legs shut. Guys don’t like nasty, dirty, skanks. Except for the guys who slept with the skanks, to give them skank status. And don’t even try to talk to me about the fact that any guy who’s asking you to be pure could be a Barney Stinson womanizing protege; That kind of back talk is exactly why you can’t find a man … and your slizzard status is exactly why Bobby Valentino will have nothing to do with you: 
      • BourgyD says: Ladies, as archaic as it may sound, we are attracted to women who do not sleep around. The most recent black celebrity to endorse this idea is Bobby Valentino (no jokes, please), who, despite his shortcomings (sorry), has a lot of money and a lot of female fans. This means that he could probably sleep with eight of every ten black women he comes across. Yet even he acknowledges that the chaste woman is more desirable in the long run than the girl who can’t go to the most popular club in town without being the topic of conversation for all the wrong reasons. You may see it as an infringement on your right to do whatever you want with yourself, which is fine, but you cannot change the repercussions. Everything has a price, like it or not.”
  • Shut up your stupid woman mouth. Our Relationship Sherpa knows that the throngs of you out there are spinning your wheels about how positively archaic all of this sounds; you’re completely missing the point. The 21st century is all about the throw back! The past is the future! Misogyny is back and ready to party! For that matter, you aren’t supposed to be thinking anyway:
      • BourgyD says: Sure, there are a few rebellious/contentious/difficult women out there who could nit-pick this list to death, but the vast majority of black women in America would likely side with almost all of these qualities in conversation.
  • Shuck the veggies and get to know your meat. All men like meat. Even vegetarian men (who I hear aren’t really men at all) secretly sneak sandwiches of tri tip and tears when they miss their mommies, and as their wives, it’s going to be your job to keep them going strong. Early in the morning:
      • BourgyD says:  Rise early and cook for your family … Ladies, as archaic as it may sound, we like the idea of women cooking for us. And not just cooking for us in order to make an artificial first impression (as many of you do), but cooking for us on a consistent basis. Does this mean that men should not do the same? No. This is just one of those things that men like. Period. You like back/foot/leg massages. We like hot meals … And bean sprouts and lettuce does not countLearn how to make some meat. It doesn’t count if you can’t cook something that the average guy likes.
  • Stop cracking jokes. A guy might share a beer with a funny girl, but he will never ever marry one. Sure, being able to intelligently contribute to conversations about the economy, Lebron James, and the alarming recidivism rates of Black Male inmates might make you a hit at Cornel West’s Superbowl party, but it will do nothing for your sex life Monthly Average Marriage Proposal Rate (MAMPR)
      • BourgyD says: Ladies, as archaic as it may sound, carry yourself with grace. Please. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard some version of the following from my homies, “man, do you see her? Poise/Grace/Class. That is so rare nowadays.” The woman that all of the guys like joking with and hanging out with is not the woman that they want to lock down. Do we like women who are fun to be around? Yes. But, the woman who enters a room with her head high and a quiet, peaceful confidence will always catch our eyes first. Remember that, in case you haven’t noticed.
 

And there you have it. A step by step guide to how to land a Black Man. A veritable recipe (something I can process!) to how to catch that strapping fellow’s eye. As we sit quietly, thinking our chastiest meaty thoughts (tough) let’s have the sage Bobby Valentino play us out, shall we?

When I get up all in ya/

We can hear the angels calling us/ 

We can see the sunrise before us/ 

And when I’m in that thang, 

I’ll make that body sang/ 

I make it say… 

 

Maybe you can lock me up and throw away the key, 

Call your sergeant and tell him you can’t finish your shift… 

Cause it’s on…tonight… 

Breakfast in bed turns to breakfast & head,

And I can’t wait to get it on… 

Wanna do it all night long…Mrs. Officer”

paz,
~ dara.
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