Already missing Christmas? Get back in the spirit with my track by track live blog if CeeLo Green’s 2012 Christmas album “CeeLo’s Magic Moment.”

What Christmas means to me:

*How dare CeeLo have this voice for all this time and not share it with the world?? Sure I dig the pimp rapper act, but why hide this singing voice? That’s like Van Gogh knowing he was Van Gogh, but saying ‘But I want to do origami mom!’
*PS- song is unremarkable.

Baby It’s Cold Outside:

*What are the holidays without the date rape song??
*CeeLo’s lower register here is good enough to knock your bra off. Wait, what?
*Features Christina Aguilera. Honey baby sweetie chile: we already think you can sing. Stop trying to prove us wrong.
*’Say what’s in this drink?’ Seriously, Santa. Take back the night.
*Tina-boo… CeeLo is trying to show you how to tailor your voice to the mood of a song… Oh you can’t hear me over the sound of that run, can you? We’ll talk.

This Christmas:

*That reminds me: How many hands have you shaken this holiday season? This song tells us to ‘shake a hand, shake a hand,’ so you should probably get on that. I’ll wait.
*This rendition is pretty loyal to the original (read: Boring. Skip.)

The Christmas Song:

*First, what a massively presumptuous title. As if dude writing the original thought ‘Eff what ya heard about Rudolph… This gone be THE Christmas song, ya heard??’ Respect.
*CeeLo’s voice sounds a bit covered on this track… Which is to say phlegmy. Sounds like he just ran up some stairs with a cold.
*Final refrain. You can practically hear the cold sweat pouring off this man. Can a brotha get a z-pack though?

White Christmas:

*Nothing compares to my favorite rendition. It is so boss… So boss it makes you say boss. But imma let CeeLo cook.
*This song has a nice climax (CeeLo’s Magic Moment? Wait.), but it falls a little flat on the recording. Probably need to hear it live. Probably could use some glittery snow explosions and feather boas. Does CeeLo have any feather boas handy, I wonder?

All I Need Is Love:

*This song is SO WEIRD. Finally, the CeeLo I’ve been waiting for.
*Excellent featuring of the Muppet clan. Reminds me of this touching performance with CeeLo and little Kermit the Frog.

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch:

*A cappella! My nerdy heart sings.
*CeeLo tells this story with unexpected aplomb. Arresting even!
*”You’re heart is filled with unwashed socks.” The best insult I never knew I needed in my back pocket.

Please Come Home For Christmas:

*I slept through this so you don’t have to.

Run Rudolph Run:

*Sticking to the fifties feel of the last song, I see… Peaceful sleep is interrupted by dreams of Danny Zuko chasing Sandy Dumbrowski with a strange pink bomber yelling ‘Baby, it’s cold outside!’

All I Want For Christmas:

*DANGEROUS choice, my friend. Covering a song that was already perfect??
*SO BORING WHY DID I EVER DECIDE TO DO THIS WHY.

Mary Did You Know:

*This is the kind of faux artistic, steady, driving music that is used for the ‘contemporary’ pieces on So You Think You Can Dance…
*Hahaha I just imagined CeeLo doing interpretative dance. Those little arms reaching! That Buddha belly rolling across the floor! Hahahahahaha thank you CeeLo hahaha brb dying.

River:

*Maybe I wouldn’t be so bored by this album if I were doing something more Christmassy, like baking cookies. I’m gonna go do that now! Brb.
*~ Looks in mirror thoughtfully. Lights gingerbread scented candle instead ~
*Not helping.

Merry Christmas, Baby:

*Features Rod Stewart, who is famous, so his raspiness is on purpose, so shut it.
*This was originally penned for a Mary Kate & Ashley TV movie montage. I’m sure of it.
*Rod keeps screaming ‘MARE-YA Christmas baby,’ which I’m pretty sure means CeeLo is giving us all ponies to make up for this album.

Silent Night:

*Another bold choice. Would CeeLo’s unique, once in a generation voice help his version come close to Boyz II Men’s classic attempt???
*No.

Conclusion:

You’ve just witnessed guerrilla marketing at its finest: I’ve purchased no fewer than six tracks by other artists in an effort to wash the taste of CeeLo’s uninspired renditions of old favorites out of my ears (what?). I smell collusion.

 

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