A Billion Wicked Thoughts: The Good, The Sexy, And The Dear God Please No.

FOR BOOKCLUB I read a book called ‘A Billion Wicked Thoughts.’ It’s about the psychology of human sexuality, as discovered through traditional research, and (less traditionally) online activity. It’s heavily rooted in scientific facts, but the truth is … reading about sex (and squicky preferences) can make one giggly, no matter how official the language.

A Billion Wicked Thoughts doesn’t help matters, by being genuinely funny. It’s written like the act of a standup comedian who doesn’t smile through his routine. He knows he’s killing, but he’s matter of fact.

For you, dear reader, I’ve collected a few of my favorite lines from the book. Things that made me laugh. Things that made me gag, and things that made me think ‘Hey, what’s the deal here? Am I really a man?’

*WARNING WARNING WARNING*- Some of this may make you a bit uncomfortable. If that happens, here’s something that will make you feel better: When something is too much for you, you get to click off. When it happened to me (on the work shuttle), I closed the book, which has a near-naked lady on the front. Yikes! I turned the book over. LARGE RED LETTERS read “THE BOOK ON SEX.”

Anonymity. It’s a beautiful thing.

Faves:

One imagines that if male babboons could speak, they’d shout similar cat calls over baboon booty.

…two out of three subjects became aroused by the jar of pennies.

… women also posses android fat. (Don’t I know it)

Another chance to bag a wabbit.

…stimuli that contain a visual cue of “breastyness…”

…sneaky scientists.

Second, she inserted a plethysmograph into their vaginas…

Should I use one of my last contraceptive sponges on Enrique, or is he not really sponge-worthy?

… invest in Google. You can’t go wrong.

After all, would we characterize gang bang porn as ‘romance for men?’

… and Edward Penishands.

I told him I wanted to chop his wifes [sic] feet off and he was cool about it. He’s a nice guy :-).

… the hero must find his inner goo.

Apparently, female vampires would be well advised to ignore a man’s neck in favor of a more nutritious part if his anatomy.

The Sisterhood of the Magic Hoo Hoo

Arousal is not consent.

Some romance fans refer to this as ‘Twu Wuv.’

…when it comes to the prime organ of masculinity, [gay men] have been endowed with nearly an extra half inch.

Because gay men are attracted to masculinity.

Gay men, like straight men, can also become sexually aroused by other body parts or by cues interests in clothing, such as armpits (Armpits.com), saggy jeans (SaggersGoneWild.com), and socks (GaySocks.com).

Gay porn is not full of chatty conversation, Cher impersonators, or the elaborate analysis of feelings.

Gay brains appear to posses a gay Elmer Fudd …

… a rodent Elmer Fudd hunting wats instead of wabbits.